10 Hugh Grant Characters Ranked by How Much I Would Marry Them
10. Martin Tweed in American Dreamz
Bottom of the barrel Hugh Grant in this almost entirely forgotten film which was one of my favorites in 2006. Is this a great film? No. It was a parody of both American Idol and George W. Bush that was maybe a little ham-fisted, but fun for me as a burgeoning liberal, bitter at being too young to vote Bush out of a second term. The plot line with Omer and his family being terrorists? It’s gonna be a “yikes” from me, dawg.
Martin Tweed is a self-centered and self-loathing host of a mega-popular talent competition. He has god awful taste in shirts. Just awful. Button-down, PRINTED shirts, with the sleeve length kept as is, a distinct contrast from my number 1 pick.
He sleeps with Mandy Moore and thinks nothing of it. Yes, Mandy Moore is in this movie, and she gives a great performance! You know where else she gives a great performance? Saved! What does this have to do with Hugh Grant? Literally nothing, I just think that we as a society don’t talk enough about how good Mandy Moore is in Saved!
9. Will in About a Boy
Sort of low on this list, considering this is one of the first times I ever saw Hugh Grant on screen. The very first was when I was about five, and my parents were watching Bridget Jones’ Diary, and it was the iconique fight scene between him and Colin Firth, and my dad wanted me to be there because Geri of the Spice Girls was doing a cover of “It’s Raining Men” that was playing in the background, and while I did love the Spice Girls, I just kind of stood there like “Hmm ok that’s cool, I guess? Can I please go back to playing with my Barbies, I don’t really understand the display of fragile masculinity happening here?”
About a Boy is actually considered by many critics to be some of his finest acting work, and I definitely don’t disagree. But this list isn’t about PRESTIGE DRAMEDY, it’s about MARRIAGE. Though Will is definitely on the path of reformation by the end of the movie, he starts off as a shallow, unemployed bachelor who lies about having a kid just to pick up women in a parents’ support group! His quasi-father figure relationship with Marcus definitely redeems him in some way, but as far as I can recall, he still doesn’t have a job at the end of the movie, preferring to skate by on the royalties left to him by his musician father. He might have money, but it would be better if he had that work ethic! I don’t want no scrubs!
Also, Will loses points because About a Boy marks the end of Floppy Hair Hugh Grant, and the start of Spiky Hair Hugh Grant, a lesser sartorial choice.
8. George Wade in Two Weeks Notice
Hugh Grant plays a generic billionaire capitalist dude, and once again, he’s basically himself, just with a new profession. Unlike some of these other candidates, he’s not all that sleazy, though the self-deprecating tendencies that I usually love about Hugh Grant’s characters are not as prominent in this role. Somehow he is casually acquainted with Donald Trump! I understand this movie came out in 2002 but it would be so great if he already knew to tell Trump to fuck off right then and there. He also wears one of the worst ties I’ve ever seen.
I get that he’s supposed to have given up some of his womanizing ways by the end of the movie but there’s no way he’s actually charmed enough by Sandra Bullock that he’s gonna give up his penthouse to live in her tiny-ass apartment. That just makes no good financial sense.
Though he does have stable employment, showing that he has a good work ethic, unlike number 9 on my list. Although ethically speaking, I don’t know if I can be a good democratic socialist and fuck with a billionaire real-estate developer in New York, even if he claims that he’s changed by the end of the film.
7. Daniel Cleaver in Bridget Jones’ Diary (1 and 2)
Oh la la. Daniel Cleaver. Yes, he is kind of a sleazy philanderer, but he might have the most charisma of any Hugh Grant character. Logically, I should put him lower on this list, but I just can’t help myself. The Cleavz is hawt.
6. Paul Morgan in Did You Hear About the Morgans?
This movie is really not as bad as everyone remembers! Oscar-worthy, no, but a fine way to spend an hour and a half of your life. There’s really not much to this character. I’m pretty sure he’s just playing himself. He cheats on SJP, but he is higher on my list than Daniel Cleaver because he seems more apologetic about it. They witness a murder. They are sent to Wyoming as part of the witness protection program. It’s a real fish out of water tale, kind of like that one episode of Sex and the City where Carrie has to spend a weekend in rural New York with Aidan except PLOT TWIST, SJP doesn’t play the cheater in this one.
Oh, Aidan, you sweet fool. Carrie was too much for you.
5. St. Clair Bayfield in Florence Foster Jenkins
St. Clair has a mistress (minus points) but he’s also a very caring and attentive husband to Florence as she literally lays dying, doing things like buying all the newspapers in the neighborhood to keep her from reading the bad reviews. He arranges for her to have vocal lessons and play small concerts.
Though adultery is kind of a major deal-breaker in a marriage, St. Clair shows more admirable qualities than the other cheaters on this list, and therefore, is a solid middle choice.
And thus we conclude our rankings of “The Trifecta of Hugh Grant Characters Who Cheat on Their Significant Other”
4. The Prime Minister in Love Actually
Here’s a fun fact: no one in Love Actually has a last name. Not even the prime minister! He’s just David!
Factors that earn him a high place on this list — relative job stability, though it is unclear what party he represents. I ain’t fucking with the Tories. He is willing to speak out against douchey American presidents (very important in this day and age and in direct contrast with my #8 pick!) He is a fan of impromptu dance breaks around 10 Downing Street!
I don’t think I’d enjoy the pressure of being a politician’s wife. I’m certainly not itching to rock a sensible skirt suit or pantyhose. But David is certainly dreamy enough, and I’m sure we could make it work. Though again, it’s Labour or bust for me. Based on Hugh Grant’s recent political come-to-Jesus moment, I think it’s safe to say that David is no Boris Johnson.
3. Alex Fletcher in Music and Lyrics
Music and Lyrics is a very underrated movie. Hugh Grant AND Drew Barrymore? What else does a good movie need?
I’ll tell you what — not one, not two, but NINE ORIGINAL SONGS THAT ARE ABSOLUTE BOPS. “Pop! Goes My Heart”! “A Way Back Into Love”! “Entering Bootytown”!
We also know how much I love Wham! (Exclamation included because that is the proper spelling but also because I am just that enthusiastic). But I don’t know if I want to deal with the fame that comes with marriage to an 80s pop star. Sure, he’s the Andrew Ridgeley of the group, but I’m sure even the Ridge has some die-hard fans? However, I believe his brand of fame is more accessible than that of the Prime Minister, which is why he earns the higher spot.
Alex Fletcher is overall fairly well-adjusted and low-key. Yes, sometimes his pants are too tight, but as the man himself admits: “It forces all the blood to my heart.” I think he would be ready to settle down and live a quiet, yet creative life.
2. Charles in Four Weddings and a Funeral
Hugh Grant’s Golden Globe-winning turn as the bespectacled and bewildered Charles in his first (and some might say finest) Richard Curtis vehicle. Charles is what a character in the film refers to as a “serial monogamist” which, because this piece right here is all about marriage, bodes well. But he does show a lapse in judgment by hurrying to marry his ex-girlfriend just so he can be married, and then he leaves her at the altar! I think that could be considered a dick move. For this reason, and also because Four Weddings and a Funeral isn’t even my favorite Hugh Grant film, Charles won’t be earning the top spot, but second place is still quite respectable.
William Thacker in Notting Hill
I thought a grand total of ZERO MINUTES AND ZERO SECONDS figuring out who would be my number one. I spent a lot of time aggravating over the rest of the list, but not this one.
Hugh Grant spends almost 100% of his screen time wearing button-down shirts with the sleeves rolled up, which is a VERY GOOD LOOK. His hair is still floppy from his Four Weddings days, but not aggressively so, not in a way that will make you ask “How does this poor sheepdog see anything?” He owns a travel bookshop, because he is sensitive and literary!
He isn’t a cheater, womanizer, or a dick. He never once thinks to use the super famous Anna Scott to promote his failing business, but instead, falls in love with her on her own terms. And he puts up a lot in the process — I’m looking at you, Alec Baldwin! His friend group seems fun! He lives in a cool part of London! Maybe it’s a little touristy now, but it would be nice to live in by 1999 standards. All in all, William Thacker is the gold standard of Hugh Grant characters, and I am ready to marry him TODAY.
Header photo courtesy of Gramercy Pictures